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[12 Oct 2017|03:43am]
I am so
in love with you

and you
can't make up your fucking mind.

Every bone in my body aches thinking about walking away

But staying is surely going to break my heart and my mind.

I want to be poetic, but my brain is caught up from every angle with reasons why I should and should not do this to myself.

Im left with a storm beneath my skin and lightning on my tongue, neither showing any signs of calming.

I keep telling myself I've come this far - but I'm not sure if Im calling myself a fool, or coaxing myself to wait for you a little longer.
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[25 Sep 2014|08:19am]
I love the internet - it helps me find solace in empathetic words - there's something soothing in knowing -someone- understands, because they've been there too and have opened up about it.

I'm constantly ridden with guilt over the behavior that I take on again and again when I get into a downward emotional spiral. There may be a handful of days I haven cried in the past two months because I feel that, no matter how much I pump myself up and tell myself not to stress and 'today is going to be a good day!', I still break down.
I'm telling myself not to think about it, but by doing that I am still thinking about it. All the time. There's this quiet desparation that consumes every thought behind every action. When it comes to jeff anyways, because he is the only person to witness all this. But that's another conversation.

It is completely taking me over and I am losing myself to it. Losing the happy, smiling, people-loving me because of it.

And its awful for more than the obvious reasons. I realized recently that for the first time in a long time, I am okay with myself physically. I mean, standing in the mirror in only a bra and panties I look at myself and actually feel attractive, to myself. But my face is showing the constant stress. My eyes always look so. damned. tired. My complexion is pallor and I am constantly breaking out, which leads me to pick and scratch while im stressed which just makes my complexion even worse. But I feel like I'm robbing myself of a particular contentment, even joy, by looking at my naked self and not being happy that I am, for once, quite okay with my stretch marks and not-perky tits and huge upper arms and my not at all tight belly. All because I am too stressed out about dealing with this anxiety.

I feel like my spiralling emotionally out of control (relative to my 'normal' self anyways) is just accents on one giant spiral out of control though. The one that has me worrying constantly about the next time I'm going to take something to heart or read way too far into something, the next time I cry or feel guilty or worried about caring too much. I am all-consumed in worrying about not worrying. And I have no idea how to stop it. The notion that I might never shake this bad pattern of thinking truly scares me. And I don't know just how long it's really been a pattern for me, because I drank my feelings away before. I haven't been drunk in 5 months though, so ive got to wonder if I was just masking it before. That makes it hard to figure out why this started, and I am the type of person who 'needs' to be able to find causation to be able to direct myself to any sort of relief. Sigh.
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[09 Feb 2013|11:58pm]

I am a happy kitty right now :)

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[13 Oct 2012|02:58am]
Despite the dramatic, whiny updates I make here, no one at all outside of here knows what goes on in my life. Anyways.

Belle makes me so happy. All of my snakes make me happy, but she's definitely my favorite. It's so calming to just have her with me. I think this is one of the reasons I love my snakes so much. She's half inside my shirt now, half coiled on my boobs, and just resting her head on my shoulder. And it makes me smile so much just to have her relaxed with me.

Nippy has finally stopped snapping at me and actually biting me. I think the first day she probably tagged me 20+ times. She was so stressed and so aggressive. I've had to work with her daily, handling her with gloves and trying to calm her down. She's such a beautiful snake... I'm SO happy that the patience with her biting paid off, and she she's relaxed so much with me. I held her two days ago for an hour, without gloves, and it feels so good to be able to socialize with her without aggression. It made my day when I was able to take off the gloves and handle her, she even relaxed and chilled out wrapped around my arm. 

I don't even care that my room smells a little bit like terrarium now. I work to keep it from stinking, but it's definitely obvious I have four snake tanks in it, haha. I don't even care.

So yeah. I guess this update is about how much I love my snakes. They make me smile so much. I'm pretty relaxed anyways, even when I'm stressed, but when I handle them I have to be cool and calm. Once they're in my hands, though, I don't know how to be anything but chilled and relaxed. I almost gave Tirion, my little guy, to a very good friend who is really interested in keeping snakes, but I just couldn't do it. They are all part of my life now, and they're actually keeping me really grounded and giving me a routine, which is good for me. I got Sandy all set up to pick up a hatchling anyways now, and I think he's set on a ball python.

But yeah. I LOVE my babies. :DCollapse )

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[08 Sep 2012|09:47pm]

I made another addition to my family.

Her name is Belle. She is a 3.5 foot normal Ball Python that shares a birthday with me, and I am SOOOO totally in love with  her.

Three is where I'm ending it, in an apartment anyways. I do absolutely adore my babies though, to the point where it's almost silly. I had a guy over the other day, and he wanted to see them... so I had one out and was showing him off, and before I put him back in his home I gave his body a kiss. The guy I was with laughed.. but I think he thinks I'm crazy.

Anyways. Just wanted to show my sweet girl off. She has entirely made my day.
Last night is a whole other story, met someone sort of amazing, but that will come at another time. I've been far too busy for a proper update, but it's coming!

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[11 Apr 2012|06:17pm]
And it's done.
I think.

How I can still love him beyond everything in the past little while I really don't know, but I do.
And I am also the first to admit that I make things a lot worse on me than they should be. We have nothing together, really. I should have just walked away when I first realized that we had nothing. When I realized we had too much to argue about. When I realized he wasn't in love with me in the way he was in the beginning.
But I knew he was damaged goods. And I knew it wouldn't be easy. It hasn't been. But I do this stupid thing where I work to make everything okay. I try my hardest to make things better.

I need to stop trying to fix things.
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[11 Feb 2012|04:32pm]
I gotta say that I'm pretty happy with life right now. There's plenty of little irritations but things could be a whole lot worse.
They could probably be better too, but the major bits are out of my way and the only things bothering me are things that will resolve themselves in time.

On lunch break now, just finished removing a propeller off of one plane to put on another, and are waiting for an overhauled one to arrive later today to install on the first aircraft. I am dirty as hell, have a 500hr phase inspection to do on another aircraft still, a bunch of smaller items on the one we just removed the prop off of but I'm content. I could have stayed here working all night last night I was so content with what I was doing.

Anyways. Back to work I suppose. It's funny how starting your day off right makes the rest of it turn out so well. :)
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Helping Haiti [14 Jan 2010|04:16pm]
So no doubt all of you have heard about the crisis in Haiti right now - I felt so helpless yesterday glued to the TV watching the updates. Last night though I decided that, although I could only make a small monetary contribution, I could spread information that I feel is helpful to the situation.

Many people are donating to the Red Cross, which in this situation is not going to help with the situation as much as some may think. The Red Cross is close to 200 million USD in debt right now and a large portion of donations go towards administrative fees and costs, paying off said debt and towards soliciting more help from others. Besides this, the Red Cross has a certain amount they allot towards emergencies such as this.(There's nothing wrong with donating to the Red Cross, but in situations that are tugging on people's heartstrings such at this one, they want all the money they donate to go towards the situation) There are however, tonnes of excellent organizations that have funds set up going DIRECTLY to Haiti. In case any one is interested, or could pass this sort of information on, I'll post a number of them here.

Direct Relief International - http://www.directrelief.org/Index.aspx

This organization is one of two charities ranked by Forbes that has received a perfect fundraising efficiency score for five consecutive years. The money donated goes directly to whatever fund you donate to.

Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières http://www.msf.ca

Doctors Without Borders is an excellent organization that already had medical centers set up in Haiti before the earthquakes. Unfortunately they suffered damages to their buildings and are tending to people in tents outside. The biggest hospitals in Port au Prince were damaged and DWB need all the help they can to continue providing the best services they can to the tens of thousands of people injured.

Population Services International - Currently working to provide general relief and safe drinking water to the affected population in Haiti.

Google's Disaster Relief Website - funds go 100% to Haiti.

Google has a crisis response team doing what they can to track the situation there and this form may be helpful to someone you know! The form takes in aid requests, rescue requests, missing persons reports, situation reports, and anything else that would help with relief efforts. If anything, just post this on your own facebook hope it helps people who may need it!

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[18 Dec 2008|12:15am]
I'm floundering.
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[02 Dec 2008|12:34am]


goddamnit, what the hell is this and where the hell is it coming from? if I didn't have to sleep right now I'd rant for a while... maybe tomorrow.
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[09 Nov 2008|02:21am]
Black hair, black hair.

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Writer's Block: Unnecessary Objects [17 Oct 2008|12:02am]
Oscar Wilde, a dandy’s dandy, once said that “we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” What unnecessary possession can you not live without?
Most definitely my car, my music, my computer and my cell phone. And, while a little less material, teh interwebz.

Not to say I can't live without them.. I do enjoy being out in the woods for days without it all... but while it's within arms reach, I need it.
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[15 Sep 2008|02:53am]
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[12 Sep 2008|04:30am]
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[03 Jul 2008|09:51pm]
Oh my.
I don't know what to do.

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[03 Feb 2008|11:21pm]
The Paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conviniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possesions, but reduced out values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to our life not life to our years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conqured outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soil. We've conqured the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build computers to hold more information, to produce more copies then ever, but we comminicate less and less

These are the times of fast food and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days or two incomes, but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it dosen't cost a cent. Remember to say, "I Love You" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number if breaths we take, but by the moments that take out breath away.

George Carlin
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there's still a little bit of your words I long to hear [11 Jan 2008|02:03pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'm a weird kind of happy.
I need this to last, plzkthx.

: )

Wish I had the money to go to St Johns to stay with Brett. </3

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[09 Jan 2008|06:36am]
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[27 Dec 2007|11:02am]
[ mood | tired ]

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay . . .

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[08 Dec 2007|08:09am]
as well as knowing
every curve
he knows
how they came to be
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